Joke thread

[Dawg61]

Hey we all need to laugh more right so let's start adding jokes in a thread. If you hear a good one, add it. If you see a good one, add it. If you make up one and think it's a good one, add it and we'll tell you it's shit (kidding). I'll start, nothing spectacular here.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Political Hack]

you know what you get when you mix and elephant and a rhino?

eliphino.

[HereComesTheSpiral]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the woman should already have it opened on the table

[Martianlander]

1st guy: You want a date with one of my sisters Gertrude or Lassie
2nd guy: Lassie's a dog
1st guy: You ought to see Gertrude

[BulldogBear]

There was a beautiful, well endowed young lady working at an airline counter. It so happened that the top button of her blouse had come unbuttoned and while not particularly vulgar, made for a rather stirring (and distracting) appearance as noted by a man of the cloth standing in line as he observed the two men in line in front of him. The first fellow paid in cash and asked for his change back in quarters, dimes and nipples so he'd have money for the vending machines. The second asked her for two titties to Atlanta. Both men were rather embarrassed but the girl didn't seem to make the connection until the Preacher's turn at the kiosk came up and he brought it to her attention, adding that she should be more aware of the effect she may have on the young men. In fact her told her that St. Finger was probably shaking his Peter at her right now as they spoke.

[gravedigger]

4 nuns are waiting in line at the confessional booth.

First nun says, "Forgive me father, I have sinned. I touched the Monsignor's balls with my right hand."
Father says, "what?...ok, say 3 hail Mary's and 3 our Fathers and wash your right hand in the bowl of holy water, and you are forgiven".
Second nun enters and says, "Forgive me father, I have sinned. I touched the Monsignor's balls with my left hand."
Father says, "what is going on?. ok...say 3 hail Mary's and 3 our Fathers and wash your left hand in the bowl of holy water, and you are forgiven."
Third nun steps in the booth but before she can start, the Fourth nun bangs on the door and says

"Father.....Father....If you think I'm going to gargle in that holy water after she washes her ass in it, you've got another thing coming".

[smootness]

Hey we all need to laugh more right so let's start adding jokes in a thread. If you hear a good one, add it. If you see a good one, add it. If you make up one and think it's a good one, add it and we'll tell you it's shit (kidding). I'll start, nothing spectacular here.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

I love this joke. Legitimately laughed out loud, which is fairly rare for me when just reading it alone.

[Bo Darville]

I went to the dentist for a root canal. Conversation went something like this:

Dentist: Root canals are painful. I'm going to give you a shot in the gum to numb it.

Me: Please don't doc. I'm afraid of needles.

Dentist: Okay, I'll just give you some gas and that will help the pain.

Me: I don't like the gas doc, it makes me woozy and sick to my stomach.

Dentist: Okay, I'll just give you a Viagra.

Me: Will Viagra work for pain?

Dentist: No, but it will give you something to grip onto while I do this root canal.