COI Day II game - Bad UNM closing arguments------

'' Sorry your...belch...lordships, maybe those lunchtime Jell-O shots were not in hindsight the best idea. Anyway, trans-fuc-keeng-parency mother foookers. That is our credo. That and exemp...exemplary cooperation. Like how we always tried to cooperate, see what I did there? Cooperate with potential students scholarly athletes. This was for the children. We care, we really care. Were hookers bought? Who can say? But it wasn't our fault. Those girls just showed up in hotel rooms and we had to provide shelter...oh shit, this isn't working. Told you assholes we should just bribe the committee. I'm out"

"I know we've all gathered here because you think there's an ongoing NCAA investigation into ole miss. But that's simply not true. There is no investigation. If there was, it would be on our women's basketball team and track. Nothing to do with football. Especially this current staff... well, now the last staff... the one that got caught calling hookers, but let me be clear he did not cheat. Well, maybe in the biblical sense, which we admit is ironic because he's a preacher, but he didn't cheat NCAA rules. That was all Houston Nutt. But most importantly, let's remember that the investigation is over and that the NCAA is prepared to accept ole miss self imposed... hold on, [side bar: "wait what? These people are with the NCAA? Shit."]

Barney did it. And Leo helped because Dan Mullen told him too and Sankey didn't help. Kobe Jones made this all up. Our former left tackle's step daddy is also lying. Hugh is a good man. Thank you for your time."

Ladies and gentleman of the committee, thank you so much for the opportunity to explain to you during these two days how we have run a program of excellent integrity. Our lawyers, Beauregard and Thurston, have proven that we are gentlemen and scholars. You committee members are educated aristocrats like us, and I know you won't fall for the persuasions of that damned Yankee, Dan Mullen, and his boy Leo. During break earlier, as I was ordering Leo to use the water fountain on the second floor as opposed to the one I was using in the lobby, I thought about how those with lesser means than what we have are trying to tear down our fine southern institution in Oxford. It is place where authors such as Welty, Faulkner, Grisham, and now Robertson have visited. It is a place where bow ties and ascots are proper evening attire. It is a place where fine brandy, expensive wine, and sometimes cough syrup are the drink of choice. It is a place where the most honest of men, like Reverend Freeze and Dickie Scruggs, are seen regularly. Don't downgrade us to being a university of the people, like that college in Starkville. A terrible place where young men and women go to learn careers in useless things like engineering, architecture, or agriculture. While they are learning to feed the world, provide safe and economic buildings, and solve the world's problems through technology and science, we are developing the next ambulance chasing attorney or star on The Real Housewives of Indianola. Help us keep our high standards intact. Thank you.

Please ladies and gentlemen of the committee. Use some lube, and be gentile.

"Flight to Haiti leaves in the morning."

Any Caine Mutiny fans here?

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