Lettuce
05-12-2013, 07:47 PM
Originated from "The" fantasy league and re-posted on SPS, figured I'd share:
Imagine we have a time machine. To explain what I mean by Dirtbag, Ima use a couple scenarios throughout human history, in relation to these current players on the following list.... and what I think would've occurred with the presence of such Dirt-Baggery. For example, I think this group of guys could've stormed Normandy, by backing in a sail boat climbing directly into the teeth of machine gun fire, making it to the summit in 6 minutes, only to disassemble the gun nest with HAND FULLS of fire ants. As the British surrounded Bunker Hill, these sumbitches would have been taking bets on head shots, throwing darts and fixing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. After the dust settled on that day in 1775, this group of fellas would have already been back home, instructing there wives on how to dig the home garden deeper.....gonna be a dry summer...If these group of guys had been the master minds of the Apollo Missions, the USA would've been sending garbage to the Moons surface by 1973. On the first day that the Bering Strait ripped apart the following group of players would've been taxing nomads with barge services. Crafty rats, dirty/smelly leather. Smelling like a batting glove. These are some words to describe the following players. So without further adieu I present to you Lettuce's All Dirtbag Team:
C Russell Martin: When he runs out of milk, he uses motor oil in his cereal. He and his significant other have nude picnics in his back yard.
1st Joey Votto: They say he has a batting cage in his bathroom...he has a juggs machine set up to mimic the next pitcher he has to face. His toilet sits in the left handers batters box. We read the paper while shitting, he reads pitches.
2nd Ian Kinsler: Inside of those baggy pants rest a huge sac of nuts. He would be the first to catch a stray bullet in a shootout but you could rest assure this sumbitch is going down guns blazing.
3rd Josh Donaldson: He and his long lost brother, Kyle Seager, could both be here but I had to give the nod to Donaldson. He leads the league in short hop line drives to the face. He has a master key to Auto Zones world wide.....he carries a tube of wasabi to all restaurants.
SS Brandon Crawford: He needs to start back up the hair product, Soul Glow. The only thing dirtier than Crawford ,in SF, is Alcatraz.
RF Hunter Pence: Bill James and Hunter Pence are friends on Facebook. Hunter Pence took a one way cruise to Alaska and packed a bat, five matches and a pencil sharpener...hung out inside of the Arctic Circle living in an abandoned school bus for 4 years...he repaired it and drove it home. Scouts describe him by saying: he is the mixture of an antique rotary phone and a coat hanger in a close dryer. He swings like he is trying to throw a bookshelf up a flight of stairs.
CF Nick Swisher: He can barely spell his name. Leads the league in cans of dip chewed a week. His laces are bound with chicken wire. He comes to the ball park with fish scales on his uniform.
LF Carlos Quentin: He has so much scar tissue on his left hand that he has been used by the FBI in hostage situations. He has also been called upon to rescue boiling pasta from sticking to the bottom of the pot.
SP Jordan Zimmerman: His arm literally detached from his body throwing a fastball 3 years ago. They say a day after his surgery that he pitched a 2 hitter left handed to AA affiliate. He rode a Sting Ray from Virginia to Jacksonville, FL, via the El Nino current.
CL Jason Motte: He is in direct bloodline with Billy the Kid. Jason Motte bought a dump truck for his son as a graduation present and sent him to work in the family's gravel pit business. You can find Jason on most late Wednesday nights, in the outfield of your local beer drinking softball league. He is currently trying to start a chain of Western Sizzlers in India.
Imagine we have a time machine. To explain what I mean by Dirtbag, Ima use a couple scenarios throughout human history, in relation to these current players on the following list.... and what I think would've occurred with the presence of such Dirt-Baggery. For example, I think this group of guys could've stormed Normandy, by backing in a sail boat climbing directly into the teeth of machine gun fire, making it to the summit in 6 minutes, only to disassemble the gun nest with HAND FULLS of fire ants. As the British surrounded Bunker Hill, these sumbitches would have been taking bets on head shots, throwing darts and fixing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. After the dust settled on that day in 1775, this group of fellas would have already been back home, instructing there wives on how to dig the home garden deeper.....gonna be a dry summer...If these group of guys had been the master minds of the Apollo Missions, the USA would've been sending garbage to the Moons surface by 1973. On the first day that the Bering Strait ripped apart the following group of players would've been taxing nomads with barge services. Crafty rats, dirty/smelly leather. Smelling like a batting glove. These are some words to describe the following players. So without further adieu I present to you Lettuce's All Dirtbag Team:
C Russell Martin: When he runs out of milk, he uses motor oil in his cereal. He and his significant other have nude picnics in his back yard.
1st Joey Votto: They say he has a batting cage in his bathroom...he has a juggs machine set up to mimic the next pitcher he has to face. His toilet sits in the left handers batters box. We read the paper while shitting, he reads pitches.
2nd Ian Kinsler: Inside of those baggy pants rest a huge sac of nuts. He would be the first to catch a stray bullet in a shootout but you could rest assure this sumbitch is going down guns blazing.
3rd Josh Donaldson: He and his long lost brother, Kyle Seager, could both be here but I had to give the nod to Donaldson. He leads the league in short hop line drives to the face. He has a master key to Auto Zones world wide.....he carries a tube of wasabi to all restaurants.
SS Brandon Crawford: He needs to start back up the hair product, Soul Glow. The only thing dirtier than Crawford ,in SF, is Alcatraz.
RF Hunter Pence: Bill James and Hunter Pence are friends on Facebook. Hunter Pence took a one way cruise to Alaska and packed a bat, five matches and a pencil sharpener...hung out inside of the Arctic Circle living in an abandoned school bus for 4 years...he repaired it and drove it home. Scouts describe him by saying: he is the mixture of an antique rotary phone and a coat hanger in a close dryer. He swings like he is trying to throw a bookshelf up a flight of stairs.
CF Nick Swisher: He can barely spell his name. Leads the league in cans of dip chewed a week. His laces are bound with chicken wire. He comes to the ball park with fish scales on his uniform.
LF Carlos Quentin: He has so much scar tissue on his left hand that he has been used by the FBI in hostage situations. He has also been called upon to rescue boiling pasta from sticking to the bottom of the pot.
SP Jordan Zimmerman: His arm literally detached from his body throwing a fastball 3 years ago. They say a day after his surgery that he pitched a 2 hitter left handed to AA affiliate. He rode a Sting Ray from Virginia to Jacksonville, FL, via the El Nino current.
CL Jason Motte: He is in direct bloodline with Billy the Kid. Jason Motte bought a dump truck for his son as a graduation present and sent him to work in the family's gravel pit business. You can find Jason on most late Wednesday nights, in the outfield of your local beer drinking softball league. He is currently trying to start a chain of Western Sizzlers in India.